"How are you doing?"

I don't want this post to come off selfish. Writing how I've been feeling during this time and opening up about it to everyone is difficult for me but I don't want this to be about me, I want this to be a positive view on being hopeful, positive, and truthful during a time that seems like there is no way to be happy again. 

Many people have asked me, "How are you doing?" and my response each time is, "I've been ok."

I'm not sure how else to respond to that question. I can come up with a million other things like, "It's been the toughest time of my life." ; "I hurt each and every day." ; "How do you think I'm doing?"...but "I've been ok" seems the best response.

But honestly, it's a lie. I haven't been ok. I haven't felt ok since this happened. My honest feelings are of hurt, pain, loneliness and like someone just took out my heart. 

"O Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress." -Isaiah 33:2

My lovely best friend Lauren had a joy that I've never seen in anyone before. She could light up an entire room with her smile and love. Since she has been gone I've longed for that same joy that she had from the Lord but find myself getting frustrated when I see other people having it. I don't get how they can be so joyful when I'm miserable. 

I notice myself going day by day, hoping that I will be happy again, but that day has yet to come. I miss my best friend and the inspiration she was in my life. I zone out a lot of the time and can't seem to find how to be actually all here.

I find myself feeling all of these things and then...I think of how her life has inspired many. I think of the hundreds of people that gave their lifes to the Lord the Sunday the pastor spoke about her and the Thursday they had the celebration of her life. I think of the people still saying "Live Like Lauren" and changing their life's to honor the Lord and I can't help but to feel silly for all the emotions I have. I know it's normal to have my emotions but it's just been a roller coaster. 

"...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; & character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." -Romans 5:3-5

What Satan intended for evil God changes it too good. God took this horrible situation and turned it to glorify Him and it has in so many ways. Her life has been a light in people's darkest times.

And then I think about my sweet friend and the joy she is having in Heaven. I read 90 Minutes in Heaven and let me tell you, if you have every lost anyone in your life, chapters 2 and 3 are the most wonderful thing to read. 

The book is about a man dying, he went to heaven then came back to earth. His explanations of how Heaven is sound amazing. There's no pain, no hurt, nothing but pure joy. The author explains how he did not miss earth and didn't wish to come back, he just wanted to stay in heaven forever. And I think of Lauren feeling that way and I know she's feeling the exact same way. Once you're in the presence of the Lord, I don't think anything on earth can compare to that.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Their will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things have passed away." -Revelation 21:4

If earth was perfect and nothing bad happen, it wouldn't be earth, it would be heaven. But the truth is is that this is not heaven, this is a place where sin happens, where not everyone believes in the Lord, and people decide to do evil acts, such as the one that happened to Lauren. Just because we're Christian it doesn't necessarily mean that our life is totally safe and nothing bad will happen to us because obviously bad things will happen to us. It's inevitable. We weren't meant to be on this eath forever, we were meant to be here, live for the Lord and change lives because of the Lord. And until that time comes for us to go to heaven, earth is just our temporary home. The decisions we make here on earth feel like the biggest decisions of our life...but when you think about eternity in heaven, these decisions are nothing. Our life here on earth is going to be a blink of an eye compared to eternity. 

Lauren was holding my new rescued baby kitty that was so sick,  

we were all scared to touch it but when she came over 

she scooped up the baby and loved it.

I know when the time comes for me to go to heaven, Lauren will be there so happy to show me around and show me where all the cats are (that was something we both loved). But until that time comes, the Lord will be my strength. I don't know if my heart will ever heal to how it exactly was before, but I know the Lord is my strength and he will help me through this. 

"But the Lord stood by my side and gave me strength." -2 Timothy 4:17

 In all, it's been a roller coaster of bittersweet emotions. That's how I've been summing it up to myself. One moment I'm sad and don't want to do anything then the next I find myself smiling at the memories Lauren and I had together. It's going to be difficult there is no doubt about that but I can't help to remind myself that the Lord is my strength. 

✝ The last verse on Lauren's blog was:  Romans 12:21- "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

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♡Gabriella June

Live Like Lauren...

Lauren was a lot of things, loving caring, compassionate, kind and silly...the list goes on. But one thing you were able to notice right away was her fire and passion for the Lord. Her life reflected how God wants us to be. She cared for people and genuinely wanted to help everyone. She was a light to so many and I know that she will continue to be a light in this world of darkness for decades and decades. Her story doesn't stop here, it's still going and it's touching so many people. The motto Live Like Lauren couldn't be more spot on, live like Lauren lived her life each day, for the Lord. In everything you do, do it for the Lord because that's how she lived each and every day.

I feel so blessed that God not only allowed me to meet Lauren but to be best friends with such a beautiful women that was after God's heart. She taught me so much during our friendship and I could only hope to keep her story a live and live like Lauren lived. To do everything for the Lord and his kingdom. 

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♡Gabriella June

Live Like Lauren: About My Best Friend

[Disclaimer: This post might seem all over the place, so sorry for that. Hope you're able to follow along & it makes sense.]

I will never forget the news I received on new years, my best friend had been killed. Hearing those words through the phone, I panicked and felt like I was in a movie. This wasn't happening, it's not real life. I had just hung out with her the day before and talked to her the day she was killed...no. 

The days following her death seemed like a blur. I forget all who I talked to but one person I will always remember talking to right away was God. 

I cried out, literally, tears in my eyes and a heavy heart and I prayed for strength because I knew that in my own strength I was not going to be able to get through this. 

My friend, Lauren, that was tragically killed was an amazing person. She was a wonderful, loving, caring, kind person. She had a passion for helping people. She was in the middle of Physician Assistant school where she was set to graduate this December. She went to Guatemala to help out the less fortunate and was planning to go back again this spring.

I met her in 2011 on a mission trip. We instantly hit it off and I knew we were going to remain close, and we did. After a year, she applied to PA school and got in. I remember the day she told me she was going to Arkansas and I was so happy but so sad she was leaving Texas. I knew she would love it though and she did. She visited her family whenever she could and when she was in town we always made sure to hang out. While she was away we snap-chated, texted, had coffee dates over FaceTime and sent each other cards in the mail. She was such a joy in my life. She's my best friend. 

Lauren was 24 when she went to heaven. Honestly, when I first heard about my best friend I found myself getting upset that she was taken so young, but then I saw all the people Lauren has influenced and I know will continue to influence by the example of the life she lived and by her love for the Lord in her 24 years on earth and I can't help but to be so happy. To see people that didn't even know her cry to me saying they didn't know her but she effected them is simply crazy (in a bittersweet way). I know that she is so so happy being able to see all the people that have been impacted by the way she lived her life. 

She lived her life fearlessly but God fearing. I have never meet anyone that had so much kindness and love in their heart for people and especially for the Lord. 

My heart aches and hurts because it's difficult to imagine life without her. I know I will think about her every day and how she lived her life and how I so badly wish she was here again.

Live Like Lauren. I'm not sure who came up with this saying/hashtag but it's perfect. The life that Lauren lived was sweet. She loved everyone, no matter who you were she loved you. She cared for people and genuinely wanted to help them. (The profession she was going into was perfect for that.)

When you think about this life we're living, it's just a blink of an eye compared to eternity. We think that some of the decisions we make are the hardest decisions of our life's, but when you look at the grand scheme of things and remember that this is not our home, it makes you think a little. What are you living for? Are you living for the Lord or are you living for yourself? 

Lauren wrote a blog and in her last post on Nov. 16th she talks about that. That it doesn't matter what job you have or what car you drive, at the end of the day what matters most is what you're doing for the Kingdom of the Lord. 

I highly recommend you read her last blog post called "Success": labump.blogspot.com

"He is also our Father, and what a father does is not by any means always understood by the child. If he loves the child, however, the child trusts him." -Elisabeth Elliot

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♡Gabriella June