Transparent thoughts

Arrived a tad early to the airport so thoughts are running through my head.

Here's to me being transparent: Grief quickly turned into loneliness. Which lead me to straying off the path that God set for me. 

Losing my best friend has been the  toughest things I had to go through and I can honestly say I don't know how to handle it. Handling it to me was to ignore my feelings and numb those feelings with other things. But what I can say is I learned on how to not handle it and what not to do. 

Now, here's to leaving the past behind me and turning to the one who knows my heart and hurt better then anyone else. 

These tears of mine

As many know, I am not good with emotions.
Crying is my worst enemy. I absolutely hate it.
I was raised by such loving and amazing parents but when it came to comforting and dealing with emotion it wasn't exactly their area of expertise.
It's safe to say that when everything happened with my sweet friend it was definitely a different experience for the entire family.
Grief and depression really does effect not only that one person but family and friends.

With all that being said, I'm facing another peak of emotions right now.
Lauren's birthday is this upcoming Friday. I am not entirely sure how it is going to be, this is going to be her 2nd birthday since she's been gone. I don't know how I am going to be or how I am going to handle it but I've come to accept that whatever emotions I have that I am going to not hide it or push them away.

I think another factor of why I'm so emotional, which is good news, is that I was winged off my medicine again.
Now I am taking 50MG of my antidepressant.
It's a very good thing but at the same time I can definitely tell that it is taking a toll on my emotions. I know my body is just trying to adjust from the change but with all the events happening it's making it a little more difficult.


I can say that I am definitely not in the deep slump I was in when everything happened but at the same time I can also say I still have my moments, like this week.

I know that just because I'm going through this time it doesn't mean I've failed.
The tears I've cried show me so much.
It shows how much I love my best friend. It shows that I may not be where I was but at the same time I'm still going through this tough journey. These tears aren't the same tears I shed a year ago, but they show that as each event goes on, I'm getting stronger but still hurting. That I will never be the same but I will somehow find a way to be a new me again.

I've been crying randomly, which is not fun.
Crying randomly while still trying to go on with your everyday life and no one really knowing you're fighting back tears is definitely a struggle. It's one though that I've known all too well in the past year and a half. I will get through it though.

I hope this helps at least one person out there. I never want it to sound all about me, I write these to show that even after a year, I'm still struggling. 
That if you're depressed or dealing with something so difficult, that there is no time limit on it. I never experienced anything like this before so writing what I'm going through so I hope it helps someone in the slightest bit.

The Struggle is Real.

Praise God that I'm not where I was this time last year.

Unfortunately though, to this day (last night actually) I had a melt down. I just couldn't help the tears from coming out. I thought I was over this crying/emotional stage but I'm not. At first I felt so defeated by it. I felt so weak and little. Thoughts filled my head of negativity and lies.

That's when I realized that there is no way I am going to be able to do this on my own.

The battles are real every single day where satan tries to attack and put lies into our head. That is when our faith has to be strong enough so we can shut him down by praying, reading our word, or listening to worship music.

I've always known that I was not going to be able to do this on my own, but last night really showed me that I need to take a giant leap and actually do something about it, I need to get my relationship back with Jesus. Not half way. Not in a one day I love him and the next I'm consumed in work or life. To truly lay everything down at his feet and follow Him wherever He leads
(Ruth 1:16)

I want to get at the point of where if I had nothing else but God, I would be ok with that.

Teach me to fall in love with you again God.

Running to you

Everyone says I have a right to be angry. But I feel horrible about being angry at God.

It's still a battle everyday and I can honestly say that I have strayed away from him. It hurts me to type that but I would be lying if I said I was having a wonderful relationship with Him.

Being away from Him for a couple months made me not wanna face him. (Kinda like adam & eve in the garden. They just wanted to hide from God because they were ashamed.) I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I would ever doubt him or be angry at him. Who am I to doubt God?

Satan can fill our minds so easily with those things (doubt, anger, shamefulness) when in reality, I should be excited and happy that I am going to get back into loving God. I don't think God would be angry at me for coming back to him. If I love someone and they're angry at me, I'm not gonna hold a grudge (for long hehe), I'm going to be happy they came back into my life.

I write this in hopes of helping someone with their struggles. To help them understand that even if you doubt God, to not stray away too far. And if you do, know that He will always take you back with open arms.


I was angry at him for taking my best friend away from me.

If earth was heaven there would be no heartache or sorrow. But earth is not heaven, it's the furthest from it.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

God straight up tells us that we ARE going to face trouble in this world.

Just because we are Christians doesn't mean that we are protected by the sin of this world. Lauren was killed because someone else was sinning. Unfortunately we don't get a bubble around us. We are going to go through tough times. Jesus went through the most difficult times here on earth, what makes us think that we wouldn't? Jesus was beaten and hurt here. Evil is out there but I think that's all the more reason for us to cling to God.

I feel horrible for doubting such an amazing loving God.

"He won't give you anything you can't handle." I strongly disagree in. The truth is, He is going to give you stuff that you can't handle, but with him, He will handle it and guide you through the storm.

Here's to continuing the race and falling in love with Him again.