You're better...right?

It's April. How crazy time is flying by but how slow it feels at the same time.

I went to the doctor yesterday. I'm not better, but that's not a shock to me. I didn't exactly expect to be "better."

Update: I am currently on 50mg of my depression medicine but the doctor, seeing how I am and me telling her how I feel, we can all see that it's not working. So for the next 2 weeks I stay on 50mg. The 2 weeks after that I go to 75mg then 2 weeks after that I go to 100mg where I can hopefully stay and hopefully it can bring me back to myself.

Depression is so frustrating. I can feel myself feeling like a cloud is constantly over my head, even when it's sunny. I can tell that I don't smile the same or even laugh at all. I can tell that I am different and I so badly want to laugh again and truly smile again but I just feel like I can't. I want to scream and yell and rip off this ugly, nasty, sad clothing that I feel like I'm always wearing.

I can tell that I'm not myself, and I know I never will be ME but I know the "new" me, whenever it decides to come out, will be stronger and braver. Lauren, my best friend, impacted my life in such a significant beautiful way. Her love and legacy is something I carry with me each and every day.

I'm learning to not set a time limit. I'm the type of person that needs a plan. I need to know by what day is this going to happen and when should I be expecting this. But with grief, there is no time limit. There is no one that can say, "Welp, you should be done in a year." There is nothing like that, it's however long you need. It could be 1 year or it could be 10 years. So I'm learning to not put a time on it but to take each day one day at a time. Because I know that when I was setting a time limit and thinking "ok I'm better right?" I would start freaking out because I wasn't.

People will think that you're fine. They expect us, that are grieving, to be how we used to be or do things that we used to do, but let me just say...WE NEED TIME. We still need time to grieve and you need to learn how to be sensitive to us, and know that it might be a year or 5 for us to be somewhat 'normal' again. Yes I'm sure you will get frustrated just like we get frustrated with you but it's a process that is going on that no one can really put a stop to.

[I know that last paragraph sounded a little harsh, oops, but I just needed to say it. So thanks for understand :) ]

Getting through this

A couple of weeks ago, my counselor gave me some sheets that I found helpful. I barely took a look at them tonight due to my laziness and...basically laziness. I wish I had looked at it all sooner though.

The first is "Dealing with Depression: Things you can do to help yourself through this."

• Establish a daily routine
• Get out of the house
• Avoid excessive sleep
• Listen to praise music
• Visit w/ family & friends
• Change negative self talk
• PRAY
• Build Relationships
• Realize there is hope
• Trust in God
• Handle anger appropriately
• Keep a journal (which has personally helped me so much)
• Tell someone how you feel
• Maintain a healthy diet
• Read scripture
• Join a support group
• Exercise
• Stop asking why
• Cope w/ stress in a healthy way
• Look for ways to help others
• Learn coping techniques
• Educate yourself about this
• Release it to God
• Change negative thought patterns
• Be aware of depression producing situations
• Choose joy, in spite of circumstances & emotions
• God is big enough to handle your disappointment, anger & fear
• Make an appointment with a counselor

This list is helping me. Everything it is basically saying to do, I'm not. I'm not exercising, I'm getting a lot of sleep, staying home, negative self talking...so much of it is what I do daily but having it pointed out and seeing that I need to change helps me see what I'm doing wrong and not get in a slump. Easier said then done. Not happily looking forward to it but I know I need to do it. 

She also gave me a list of "Hope and Encouragement" bible verses:

"The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you." -Psalm 9:9-10

"Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God! Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember your kindness." -Psalm 42:5

"When I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me the strength I need." -Psalm 138:3

"Though I am surrounded by troubles, you will preserve me against the anger of my enemies. You will clench your fist against my angry enemies! Your power will save me. The Lord will work out his plans for my life- for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me." -Psalm 138:7-8

"You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ." -2 Corinthians 1:5

"So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in him. May you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." -Romans 15:13

"May our Lord Jesus Christ and God our Father, who loved us and in his special favor gave us everlasting comfort and good hope, comfort your hearts and give you strength in every good thing you do and say." -2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

Reading Gods word and promises daily are the things that are getting me through this. Even at times when I honestly don't feel like reading Gods word or praying, pushing through that and talking to Him has given me strength to get through each day.

Fighting Isolation

Whenever my doctor told me I had depression, she told me to watch out for some negative things that I may feel during this time, some like too much sleep/too little sleep, overeating/not eating at all, and isolation.

Over this past week/2 weeks I have noticed that friends have asked me to hang out and each time they ask I find an excuse not to. Instead, I find myself snuggling back in bed not wanting to do anything. I have not only been sleeping a lot but I have no energy emotionally and physically to do anything. For school I literally have to drag myself out of bed and force myself to get ready.

It scares me to think that I have reached a point where I don't want to do anything, I even find myself not wanting to go to the mall which is a HUGE sign that something is wrong.

So in order to hopefully fix this problem I told my close friends and family that this is going on in hopes that they will push me to do things. This medicine has kicked in a little because my mom says that I am talking more and not as zoned out as I was before so that's a good sign.

[If you are depressed, make sure you watch out for the signs the doctors give you and even though it may be hard to fix it, tell the people you're close to about the struggle. Be open with them and have them help you along the way because sometimes, we can't do this on our own, we need help. And of course, pray pray pray! Ask God to give you the strength to get through this.]

I never imagined loosing Lauren. I had huge dreams for her and was so excited to see everything she was going to do in this world, but now, it's different. I still have huge dreams for her but in a different way. I have huge dreams that her story will touch so many life's and that God will use it to glorify Him!  I'm excited to see how God is going to continue to use her story and how her legacy will continue to live on.

✝Live Like Lauren✝

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♡Gabriella June

Depression.

I knew I wasn't the same but I constantly told myself I was ok, but you can only lie to yourself so much. I finally went to the doctor. They asked me lots of questions and came to the conclusion that I was depressed. It hit me hard. To be told that...it's a slap of reality.

I was having panic attacks so I prepared myself to get medication to help with that but antidepressant medicine is something else.

I've never been depressed before and being completely honest, in a way I felt like I shouldn't be because I'm a Christian. That might sound so silly but it's the honest truth. I denied it because I didn't think that I could be. I didn't think that God allows us to be depressed and that if we are it just means we need to pray a whole lot more and we'll be ok. And that part is still true, we do need to pray so so much but the way God made our body, we can only handle so much grief and pain. That's what I've come to conclusion with, that it's ok to be in this state right now. I know one day I will no longer have to be on medication but for the time being it's what my body needs to be able to get through something so painful.

Through this, I have clung so close to God. I have clenched on to him with white knuckles. I know he will never ever leave me. I know that being on this medicine doesn't make me less of a Christian or less spiritual, I'm just being honest in saying that I need help right now.

I write this with hope to Christians and to let us know that when something so tragic happens and you find yourself not the same and have depression, that it's ok. That it's part of the process. That it doesn't mean you're less holy or anything. Be honest with yourself.

I know the day will come when I will no longer have to be on medication. I know every day I will always think about my beautiful best friend. I am forever changed. Life will no longer be the same.

✝Life Like Lauren✝

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♡Gabriella June