It's April. How crazy time is flying by but how slow it feels at the same time.
I went to the doctor yesterday. I'm not better, but that's not a shock to me. I didn't exactly expect to be "better."
Update: I am currently on 50mg of my depression medicine but the doctor, seeing how I am and me telling her how I feel, we can all see that it's not working. So for the next 2 weeks I stay on 50mg. The 2 weeks after that I go to 75mg then 2 weeks after that I go to 100mg where I can hopefully stay and hopefully it can bring me back to myself.
Depression is so frustrating. I can feel myself feeling like a cloud is constantly over my head, even when it's sunny. I can tell that I don't smile the same or even laugh at all. I can tell that I am different and I so badly want to laugh again and truly smile again but I just feel like I can't. I want to scream and yell and rip off this ugly, nasty, sad clothing that I feel like I'm always wearing.
I can tell that I'm not myself, and I know I never will be ME but I know the "new" me, whenever it decides to come out, will be stronger and braver. Lauren, my best friend, impacted my life in such a significant beautiful way. Her love and legacy is something I carry with me each and every day.
I'm learning to not set a time limit. I'm the type of person that needs a plan. I need to know by what day is this going to happen and when should I be expecting this. But with grief, there is no time limit. There is no one that can say, "Welp, you should be done in a year." There is nothing like that, it's however long you need. It could be 1 year or it could be 10 years. So I'm learning to not put a time on it but to take each day one day at a time. Because I know that when I was setting a time limit and thinking "ok I'm better right?" I would start freaking out because I wasn't.
People will think that you're fine. They expect us, that are grieving, to be how we used to be or do things that we used to do, but let me just say...WE NEED TIME. We still need time to grieve and you need to learn how to be sensitive to us, and know that it might be a year or 5 for us to be somewhat 'normal' again. Yes I'm sure you will get frustrated just like we get frustrated with you but it's a process that is going on that no one can really put a stop to.
[I know that last paragraph sounded a little harsh, oops, but I just needed to say it. So thanks for understand :) ]
