Depression.

I knew I wasn't the same but I constantly told myself I was ok, but you can only lie to yourself so much. I finally went to the doctor. They asked me lots of questions and came to the conclusion that I was depressed. It hit me hard. To be told that...it's a slap of reality.

I was having panic attacks so I prepared myself to get medication to help with that but antidepressant medicine is something else.

I've never been depressed before and being completely honest, in a way I felt like I shouldn't be because I'm a Christian. That might sound so silly but it's the honest truth. I denied it because I didn't think that I could be. I didn't think that God allows us to be depressed and that if we are it just means we need to pray a whole lot more and we'll be ok. And that part is still true, we do need to pray so so much but the way God made our body, we can only handle so much grief and pain. That's what I've come to conclusion with, that it's ok to be in this state right now. I know one day I will no longer have to be on medication but for the time being it's what my body needs to be able to get through something so painful.

Through this, I have clung so close to God. I have clenched on to him with white knuckles. I know he will never ever leave me. I know that being on this medicine doesn't make me less of a Christian or less spiritual, I'm just being honest in saying that I need help right now.

I write this with hope to Christians and to let us know that when something so tragic happens and you find yourself not the same and have depression, that it's ok. That it's part of the process. That it doesn't mean you're less holy or anything. Be honest with yourself.

I know the day will come when I will no longer have to be on medication. I know every day I will always think about my beautiful best friend. I am forever changed. Life will no longer be the same.

✝Life Like Lauren✝

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♡Gabriella June

Anger and Hurt...but Love

It's been over a month and I feel as if I go each day with different emotions, mostly anger or frustration now. I don't mean to sound mean or get so easily frustrated but I do. I freak out more easily and it's a different type of struggle. More of a reality. That this is really happening. That she is really gone...

I know that there are different stages of grief and I'm thinking of this stage as the freakout-panickattack-anger-frustration stage.

I'm not sure if people expect me to already be done with grieving but in all honesty I have a feeling it's going to take a lot longer than a couple of months.

If people can't make a decision and tell me "it doesn't matter you pick", I try to not loose it. I try to stay calm. I try to not bite off anybody's head because honestly, I go through the day so badly wanting to.

I have never had anxiety or panic so these emotions are very new to me...I don't know what to do. In a way I don't feel normal. I see people going about their life's, smiling, and laughing...and I feel weird for sitting back and not being able to smile. It's like I'm just in stand still while the world just spins and zooms past me.

I have been describing myself as crazy. I feel crazy. These feelings are crazy. This situation is crazy. It's the only nice/accurate word I can find to describe all of this. It's just crazy.


The life Lauren lived was so full of love and joy and I pray so badly to get back to that place of where Lauren was but I know that will only take lots of time, lots of healing and lots of prayer.

Lauren's life was such a beautiful example of how to love and share love. During this time I feel like everything I have seen either that was her's, or something she wrote or something I read in the bible, it's all about love. Which is quite ironic since all I have been feeling lately is anger and frustration. But I'm reminded that even in these dark times, when there are days I feel so weak and defeated, His LOVE is there. His love is sweet and perfect.

Love is a powerful word and action and to think that God loves us to a point where he sent down his son to die for us and take away every sin he KNEW we were going to commit is love. It hurt God to send his son down to earth, but that was love. That is love. God loves us so much and during this time, through Jesus's life and through Lauren's life I have never experienced such a sweet sweet love.

✝Live Like Lauren✝

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♡Gabriella June

Keep calm and... just breathe.

Went to stores to try to keep busy & found this perfect
sign for Lauren's mom! This saying has helped me!

It's been a month. How I got through January is beyond me. It's still very much a blur.

After many different emotions, I had my first panic attack last Wednesday. It was the weirdest thing. I'm not much of an emotional person so crying isn't really my thing. I usually try to be strong and suck it up (which lately hasn't been working out) but I was sitting at my internship when all of a sudden, someone talked to me. No one yelled, no one said anything rude and no one laughed...someone just talked and as soon as they did tears formed in my eyes, my throat closed and my heart was racing. What in tarnation was going on!? I instantly prayed and just reminded myself to breath.

Just breathe.

That has been mine and Lauren's mom's saying during all this because honestly, I think that's all we can really do right now.

I still zone out and still don't feel like I'm all here but I'm trying. Each day has a different emotion. Sometimes I find myself remebering all the wonderful memories Lauren and I had together and it makes me have so much joy. Sometimes I find myself in so much pain and hurt and emotionless.

I know I will never be the same. But I also know that in everything I do God is by myside walking me through this. I'm not sure when I will have joy again but I'm not scared, I know it will come in time. I know God will mend my heart in the right time also.

Grief is not a fun process and I wish no one had to go through this. But I remember that God sent down his only son for us so that our sins can be taken away, and I know he felt grief too.

It's not a pleasant feeling, I long to hear her voice and hear her laugh but I know that when I go to heaven she will be there to greet me.

I write these posts to you so that if anyone has ever gone through pain, it's normal. You're not less holy, you're not less spirit filled...it's normal and part of the process.

My counselor told me something that I needed to hear. I was telling her about my problem with emotions and she told me how she went through the bible underlining every line that talked about Jesus having any emotions. And he did have emotion:

• Matthew 21:12 "Jesus entered the temple area & drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves."
• John 11:35 "Jesus wept." 
• Luke 10:21 "At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit..."
• Luke 22:15 "I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer." 
• Mark 10:21 "Jesus looked at him and loved him."

And those are only some of the verses/stories in the bible that talk about Jesus's different emotions. He wept, he got angry, he had joy and love, and lastly he suffered on the cross for us. All emotions and pain. 

It just made me realize that I don't always have to act so strong, that in the end, it's ok to have emotions.

✝Live Like Lauren

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♡Gabriella June