How Do You Love

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends...faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13 

Love.
It has been something that I have been learning lately. We all think we love but do we really or is it just an emotion we feel and we call it love.
Many people say they love someone, then the next thing you know, they don't talk anymore wether it be a friendship, family or spouse. But that just proves that the love they were talking about wasn't the true meaning of love, it was an emotional love. True love is the verse above, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13.

Francis Chan explains it very well in his book "Crazy Love". He says, "take the phrase Love is patient and substitute your name for the word love." So I did, [Gaby is patient.] Wow, to be honest I laughed when I wrote that because if you know me, you know I'm not the most patient person. It opened my eyes and made me evaluate how I love.

I don't want to have that emotional love, I want to have the true love. The love that is patient, kind and slow to anger. I want to share that love that this verse talks about to the people around me.

• To not keep any records of wrongs, because I love you.
• To be patient and kind, because I love you.
• To not be envy or boast, because I love you.
• To not be arrogant or rude, because I love you. 
• To bear all thing, believe all things, hope all things and to endure all things, because I love you.

That no matter what, I will always love because it's not just an emotion I'm just feeling, it's far more then that. Love is something that we invest in and shouldn't be selfish with.

The word of God shows us such a great example of love:

Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

How incredible. It's tough to believe that God loves us that much, even though we still sin and hurt him. If anything, we need to learn from that verse and cherish it. If God is able to love us even though he knows we are sinners, why can't we love our friends or family when they hurt us?
Next time you get mad at someone you truly love (spouse, family, friend), remember that Christ died for you when you/we didn't deserve it because that's true selfless love. So forgive and love because that is what God has taught us. It goes back to 1 Corinthians showing us that love keeps no record of wrong.

God knew we were gonna make mistakes but yet he still died for our sins. We know that the ones we love are going to make mistakes, so we should still love them.

Take a step back and evaluate how you are loving. God never once said welp, you messed up so my son is not gonna die for your sins. It was the exact opposite, he said "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

"Love is a long term investment that requires daily deposits. Don't treat it as a short term investment, it requires daily deposits because it's long term."

Love doesn't just come and go. It's a selfless everlasting love. We tend to think of love as hearts and kisses but love is far more then that.

This past Sunday at church, my pastor shared with us a love quiz to take to help us evaluate our love.

The Love Quiz:

1. Do I get mad while waiting?
2. Am I nice?
3. Am I happy when others succeed?
4. Do I think I'm better than them?
5. Am I sarcastic?
6. Do I compromise with others?
7. Am I easily irritated?
8. Do I hold grudges?
9. Am I happy even when proven wrong?
10. Do I stick with things?
11. Do I believe in competency of others? (Or am I the only one that can do it.)
12. Am I committed no matter what?

My eyes have been opened to an entirely different type of love, real love.

I apologize if this is all over the place and doesn't make much sense. Kinda word vomited all over my keyboard. Have been kinda out of it lately ha.

A Heart for you

As I sit here, I think of how amazing our God is. I know many women have written posts and books on being single. 

Most are encouraging books on how to wait for God's promise, 

Psalm 37:4 "Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

But friends, as I write this, I can't help but to think of why we hold on to that so closely.

As women, we (mostly) long to be loved, to be wife's, and to be mothers. But, what if that doesn't happen? Are you willing to be ok with that? 

Many will honestly admit that they will not be ok with that. Many desire and long for that in their life and think that they can't start living their life until that happens. 

I found myself asking this question this weekend. Would you be ok if God doesn't allow this for your life? In the beginning I sorta just chuckled and was like "Ha are you kidding? No, I would not be ok with that!"

As soon as that thought entered my head I thought, where is my heart.

Shouldn't our hearts belong to God? Shouldn't we live a life for Him and to bring glory to his name? If it is in his plan for us to have all the other things then he would allow it, we have to trust him.  

I know that's a tough one to swallow because as girls we are raised with this fairytale of a dream. As cliche as it sounds, the real "fairytale" story of our prince happened an entirely different way. He came down to this earth and died for us...because that is how much he loves us.

Some think our sole purpose is just to live happily ever after. I think we need to understand that our real happily ever after is in the eternity we get to spend with God.

I'm NOT saying that marriage is bad or anything because honestly, I so want to be married one day and have kids! But being in this season of singleness and seeing many friends getting married or having children, it get's tough. 

I have found a peace though. A peace in Gods love. That if all I ever have in this life is only his love, then I would be ok. And if he decides to send someone into my life to share a life with and a love with, then that would OBVIOUSLY be ok too ha.

I am learning to cherish this season of singleness. Changing my mind set from "Where is my husband" to "Where is God." 

Ruth 1:16 "Where you go I'll go, and where you stay I will stay."

I can't help but to think of my sweet best friend Lauren. I know that she would have been an absolutely amazing wife and mother, but unfortunately her life was cut short. As best friends, we would talk about our futures, weddings, husbands, kids...but in the midst of those conversations, that was never her main goal or worry in life. I would joke with her so many times saying, "Look there's your husband" and she would bust out laughing HER laugh. I think I was more obsessed with her getting married then she was. She lived her life solely for the Lord and she trusted His plan for her life, even when she didn't always understand it.

[ Lauren's blog: Life Beyond Texas: Success ] 

That's what I want. I want to live a life for God that I just focus on him. That I get to a place where all I need is his love and with that, I know that everything else will be ok. 

A lot of times, we don't get what we want. We pray for things that we WANT but don't really NEED and we get angry when God doesn't answer our prayers. But in this case, I have prayed for my husband because yes I want him right now, but I can't get angry at God for not answering my prayer because ultimately He knows what's better for me then I know for myself. 

"A women's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek him in order to find her."

I long to have a heart for God. 

To fall in love with him each in everyday. 

Through every difficulty and every joy. 

That I will always long for Him and that in Him I will find everything else.

David Crowder- Only You

The "Why" Question

A struggle I face every day is trying to not get angry at God. I don't want to be angry at him but sometimes I let my brain wonder and question things that I know I may never get an answer to. I know that I have to be ok with not knowing the answer, but I'm still at the point where I'm not.

Thoughts rush through my head, "Where was God? Why didn't he help Lauren? Why didn't he allow her to go a different way on her run?" but to those responses I say, "But I know there is sin in this world. I know Satan is in this world and if this world was perfect it would be called heaven, but it's not."
Then the circle continues.

How am I supposed to pray to a God for protection when I don't feel like he would protect me. But isn't this when faith comes in?
Satan wants us to go through all of these questions. He wants evil to take over and for us to lose faith in God. I will tell you now, I'm not going to let Satan win. Even though I struggle with all of these thoughts and constant questions, I know that at the end of the day whatever happens, good or bad, God will turn any situation to good and use it for the glory of his kingdom.
How can I be so upset when I see how many people have been effected by Lauren's life? How can I possibly be angry at God for that? When I see people who didn't even know Lauren be so touched by her life and her faith in God. There is no explanation for that except that God turned this tragedy to glorify his kingdom.

Satan will continually try to ruin our lives in any way he could. He will try to deter us and have us question God, but who are we to question God? Shouldn't we have such strong faith and trust in him and know that no matter what happens that he is going to protect us eternally and allow us to enter the kingdom of heaven if we live our lives for him. Satan is a good talker and he knows exactly how to get us. He knows our weakness and our struggles. I was not ready to face any of these struggles I'm facing right now. But my God is a strong God and he has been my strength and that's how I know that he is real and loves us. Even in the midst of my anger, I somehow still had peace, I still knew everything was going to be ok. God definitely gave me something I was not ready to handle, and through that he has showed me that I may not be able to handle everything, but he is. And that's all the more reason why I need HIS strength. Because I am weak but he is strong.

Yes, I will still have these constant back and forth struggles in my head but as much as I don't like these struggles, I'm kinda thankful for them because these struggles are what's making me trust in him even more.

It's a confusing mess I know.
But if you're dealing with not only grief but any form of questioning God and wondering the "why" question, STOP. Instead, switch it around and remember that evil is not from God. Ask God to be your strength when you feel like giving up and show people God's strength. That will be an eye opener to so many and kick Satan in the booty!

"...her lamp burns late into the night."

Due to my random insomnia, I decided to write about what's been on my heart.

In the midst of dealing with grief and depression, I am going through the process of discovering the woman God wants me to be.

This process is uncomfortable. I am a little snappy and edgy, it's a constant battle because my snappiness is what I'm so used to, but instead, I want to learn how to act with love and grace.

The perfect way to describe this is Proverbs 31: 10-31.

What does it mean to be a Proverbs 31 woman? I wish I can fully answer it but I am still in the process of trying to figure it out. Learning how to be a better friend, bring good instead of harm, not lazy, strong & energetic, helps everyone, dresses elegantly, and fears the Lord.

Bluntly, none of those things come easily to me. I struggle with 99% of this list. God has a lot of work to do with me still and it is uncomfortable because I'm used to just having my little attitude and living in my own world, because honestly, that's easier then dying to my old ways.  But I know sticking to my old ways will not get me anywhere and will only hold me back from what God has planned.

Waking up in the mornings with a joyful heart, getting things done and working, not in anger but in love is a glimpse of what I hope for. That's a big challenge for me, especially since I'm not a morning person...at all. My flesh is not going to like this process but I know God will help me and mold me to be the woman he wants me to be.

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?

    She is more precious than rubies.

11 

Her husband can trust her,

    and she will greatly enrich his life.

12 

She brings him good, not harm,

    all the days of her life.

13 

She finds wool and flax

    and busily spins it.

14 

She is like a merchant’s ship,

    bringing her food from afar.

15 

She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household

    and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

16 

She goes to inspect a field and buys it;

    with her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17 

She is energetic and strong,

    a hard worker.

18 

She makes sure her dealings are profitable;

    her lamp burns late into the night.

19 

Her hands are busy spinning thread,

    her fingers twisting fiber.

20 

She extends a helping hand to the poor

    and opens her arms to the needy.

21 

She has no fear of winter for her household,

    for everyone has warm[c] clothes.

22 

She makes her own bedspreads.

    She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.

23 

Her husband is well known at the city gates,

    where he sits with the other civic leaders.

24 

She makes belted linen garments

    and sashes to sell to the merchants.

25 

She is clothed with strength and dignity,

    and she laughs without fear of the future.

26 

When she speaks, her words are wise,

    and she gives instructions with kindness.

27 

She carefully watches everything in her household

    and suffers nothing from laziness.

28 

Her children stand and bless her.

    Her husband praises her:

29 

“There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,

    but you surpass them all!”

30 

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;

    but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.

31 

Reward her for all she has done.

    Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

Proverbs 31: 10-31

Still a struggle

I'm not an emotional person. So dealing with so many emotions recently has not only freaked me out but makes me feel like a whole new person. 

Every day, it's just trying to somehow get through the day and survive, never knowing what emotions I'm going to face that day. With meds increasing it feels like I'm never going to get through this. 

I'm not myself. Irrational fears I thought of before are now completely rational fears. I can't remember anything, I mix everything up. Example, I had an appointment on July 2nd, so I thought, but it was actually July 1st at 2...so I obviously missed it. But I thought for sure it was on the second. My brain can't comprehend things that would normally be so simple to understand to people. 

I'm writing this to not only let people with depression know it's ok to feel these things but also to explain to family and friends who think I should be ok and don't understand. I never would want anyone to go through this pain, but honestly, if you've never dealt with such a tragic lost, you're not gonna understand. You might think you do but what you think you understand, it's actually probably 10 times worse for us in reality. Daily, a million things are running through my head...but on top of that I'm zoned out on those things. I can't remember what I did yesterday unless I sit there and strongly think hard and it might take me an hour...if I'm lucky enough to even remember any of it. 

So please still be respectful of my emotions and feelings. I know that my close family and friends understand and have been so awesome. But to those who don't and aren't respectful of my emotions, just think about what I've written. 

Yes, this is partly written out of anger and frustration but it's a struggle I'm facing. Grief and depression are something I've never had to really deal with, so I'm trying to get through this.

I don't expect you to say anything to me, something I've been telling my mom and sister a lot lately is, "I don't even know what I want y'all to say." because I know that no amount of words will take this pain away. Just listen, because sometimes that's all we can do.

#LiveLikeLauren

You're better...right?

It's April. How crazy time is flying by but how slow it feels at the same time.

I went to the doctor yesterday. I'm not better, but that's not a shock to me. I didn't exactly expect to be "better."

Update: I am currently on 50mg of my depression medicine but the doctor, seeing how I am and me telling her how I feel, we can all see that it's not working. So for the next 2 weeks I stay on 50mg. The 2 weeks after that I go to 75mg then 2 weeks after that I go to 100mg where I can hopefully stay and hopefully it can bring me back to myself.

Depression is so frustrating. I can feel myself feeling like a cloud is constantly over my head, even when it's sunny. I can tell that I don't smile the same or even laugh at all. I can tell that I am different and I so badly want to laugh again and truly smile again but I just feel like I can't. I want to scream and yell and rip off this ugly, nasty, sad clothing that I feel like I'm always wearing.

I can tell that I'm not myself, and I know I never will be ME but I know the "new" me, whenever it decides to come out, will be stronger and braver. Lauren, my best friend, impacted my life in such a significant beautiful way. Her love and legacy is something I carry with me each and every day.

I'm learning to not set a time limit. I'm the type of person that needs a plan. I need to know by what day is this going to happen and when should I be expecting this. But with grief, there is no time limit. There is no one that can say, "Welp, you should be done in a year." There is nothing like that, it's however long you need. It could be 1 year or it could be 10 years. So I'm learning to not put a time on it but to take each day one day at a time. Because I know that when I was setting a time limit and thinking "ok I'm better right?" I would start freaking out because I wasn't.

People will think that you're fine. They expect us, that are grieving, to be how we used to be or do things that we used to do, but let me just say...WE NEED TIME. We still need time to grieve and you need to learn how to be sensitive to us, and know that it might be a year or 5 for us to be somewhat 'normal' again. Yes I'm sure you will get frustrated just like we get frustrated with you but it's a process that is going on that no one can really put a stop to.

[I know that last paragraph sounded a little harsh, oops, but I just needed to say it. So thanks for understand :) ]

Getting through this

A couple of weeks ago, my counselor gave me some sheets that I found helpful. I barely took a look at them tonight due to my laziness and...basically laziness. I wish I had looked at it all sooner though.

The first is "Dealing with Depression: Things you can do to help yourself through this."

• Establish a daily routine
• Get out of the house
• Avoid excessive sleep
• Listen to praise music
• Visit w/ family & friends
• Change negative self talk
• PRAY
• Build Relationships
• Realize there is hope
• Trust in God
• Handle anger appropriately
• Keep a journal (which has personally helped me so much)
• Tell someone how you feel
• Maintain a healthy diet
• Read scripture
• Join a support group
• Exercise
• Stop asking why
• Cope w/ stress in a healthy way
• Look for ways to help others
• Learn coping techniques
• Educate yourself about this
• Release it to God
• Change negative thought patterns
• Be aware of depression producing situations
• Choose joy, in spite of circumstances & emotions
• God is big enough to handle your disappointment, anger & fear
• Make an appointment with a counselor

This list is helping me. Everything it is basically saying to do, I'm not. I'm not exercising, I'm getting a lot of sleep, staying home, negative self talking...so much of it is what I do daily but having it pointed out and seeing that I need to change helps me see what I'm doing wrong and not get in a slump. Easier said then done. Not happily looking forward to it but I know I need to do it. 

She also gave me a list of "Hope and Encouragement" bible verses:

"The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you." -Psalm 9:9-10

"Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God! Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember your kindness." -Psalm 42:5

"When I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me the strength I need." -Psalm 138:3

"Though I am surrounded by troubles, you will preserve me against the anger of my enemies. You will clench your fist against my angry enemies! Your power will save me. The Lord will work out his plans for my life- for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me." -Psalm 138:7-8

"You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ." -2 Corinthians 1:5

"So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in him. May you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." -Romans 15:13

"May our Lord Jesus Christ and God our Father, who loved us and in his special favor gave us everlasting comfort and good hope, comfort your hearts and give you strength in every good thing you do and say." -2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

Reading Gods word and promises daily are the things that are getting me through this. Even at times when I honestly don't feel like reading Gods word or praying, pushing through that and talking to Him has given me strength to get through each day.

Fighting Isolation

Whenever my doctor told me I had depression, she told me to watch out for some negative things that I may feel during this time, some like too much sleep/too little sleep, overeating/not eating at all, and isolation.

Over this past week/2 weeks I have noticed that friends have asked me to hang out and each time they ask I find an excuse not to. Instead, I find myself snuggling back in bed not wanting to do anything. I have not only been sleeping a lot but I have no energy emotionally and physically to do anything. For school I literally have to drag myself out of bed and force myself to get ready.

It scares me to think that I have reached a point where I don't want to do anything, I even find myself not wanting to go to the mall which is a HUGE sign that something is wrong.

So in order to hopefully fix this problem I told my close friends and family that this is going on in hopes that they will push me to do things. This medicine has kicked in a little because my mom says that I am talking more and not as zoned out as I was before so that's a good sign.

[If you are depressed, make sure you watch out for the signs the doctors give you and even though it may be hard to fix it, tell the people you're close to about the struggle. Be open with them and have them help you along the way because sometimes, we can't do this on our own, we need help. And of course, pray pray pray! Ask God to give you the strength to get through this.]

I never imagined loosing Lauren. I had huge dreams for her and was so excited to see everything she was going to do in this world, but now, it's different. I still have huge dreams for her but in a different way. I have huge dreams that her story will touch so many life's and that God will use it to glorify Him!  I'm excited to see how God is going to continue to use her story and how her legacy will continue to live on.

✝Live Like Lauren✝

◇◇◇

♡Gabriella June

Depression.

I knew I wasn't the same but I constantly told myself I was ok, but you can only lie to yourself so much. I finally went to the doctor. They asked me lots of questions and came to the conclusion that I was depressed. It hit me hard. To be told that...it's a slap of reality.

I was having panic attacks so I prepared myself to get medication to help with that but antidepressant medicine is something else.

I've never been depressed before and being completely honest, in a way I felt like I shouldn't be because I'm a Christian. That might sound so silly but it's the honest truth. I denied it because I didn't think that I could be. I didn't think that God allows us to be depressed and that if we are it just means we need to pray a whole lot more and we'll be ok. And that part is still true, we do need to pray so so much but the way God made our body, we can only handle so much grief and pain. That's what I've come to conclusion with, that it's ok to be in this state right now. I know one day I will no longer have to be on medication but for the time being it's what my body needs to be able to get through something so painful.

Through this, I have clung so close to God. I have clenched on to him with white knuckles. I know he will never ever leave me. I know that being on this medicine doesn't make me less of a Christian or less spiritual, I'm just being honest in saying that I need help right now.

I write this with hope to Christians and to let us know that when something so tragic happens and you find yourself not the same and have depression, that it's ok. That it's part of the process. That it doesn't mean you're less holy or anything. Be honest with yourself.

I know the day will come when I will no longer have to be on medication. I know every day I will always think about my beautiful best friend. I am forever changed. Life will no longer be the same.

✝Life Like Lauren✝

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♡Gabriella June

Anger and Hurt...but Love

It's been over a month and I feel as if I go each day with different emotions, mostly anger or frustration now. I don't mean to sound mean or get so easily frustrated but I do. I freak out more easily and it's a different type of struggle. More of a reality. That this is really happening. That she is really gone...

I know that there are different stages of grief and I'm thinking of this stage as the freakout-panickattack-anger-frustration stage.

I'm not sure if people expect me to already be done with grieving but in all honesty I have a feeling it's going to take a lot longer than a couple of months.

If people can't make a decision and tell me "it doesn't matter you pick", I try to not loose it. I try to stay calm. I try to not bite off anybody's head because honestly, I go through the day so badly wanting to.

I have never had anxiety or panic so these emotions are very new to me...I don't know what to do. In a way I don't feel normal. I see people going about their life's, smiling, and laughing...and I feel weird for sitting back and not being able to smile. It's like I'm just in stand still while the world just spins and zooms past me.

I have been describing myself as crazy. I feel crazy. These feelings are crazy. This situation is crazy. It's the only nice/accurate word I can find to describe all of this. It's just crazy.


The life Lauren lived was so full of love and joy and I pray so badly to get back to that place of where Lauren was but I know that will only take lots of time, lots of healing and lots of prayer.

Lauren's life was such a beautiful example of how to love and share love. During this time I feel like everything I have seen either that was her's, or something she wrote or something I read in the bible, it's all about love. Which is quite ironic since all I have been feeling lately is anger and frustration. But I'm reminded that even in these dark times, when there are days I feel so weak and defeated, His LOVE is there. His love is sweet and perfect.

Love is a powerful word and action and to think that God loves us to a point where he sent down his son to die for us and take away every sin he KNEW we were going to commit is love. It hurt God to send his son down to earth, but that was love. That is love. God loves us so much and during this time, through Jesus's life and through Lauren's life I have never experienced such a sweet sweet love.

✝Live Like Lauren✝

◇◇◇

♡Gabriella June

Keep calm and... just breathe.

Went to stores to try to keep busy & found this perfect
sign for Lauren's mom! This saying has helped me!

It's been a month. How I got through January is beyond me. It's still very much a blur.

After many different emotions, I had my first panic attack last Wednesday. It was the weirdest thing. I'm not much of an emotional person so crying isn't really my thing. I usually try to be strong and suck it up (which lately hasn't been working out) but I was sitting at my internship when all of a sudden, someone talked to me. No one yelled, no one said anything rude and no one laughed...someone just talked and as soon as they did tears formed in my eyes, my throat closed and my heart was racing. What in tarnation was going on!? I instantly prayed and just reminded myself to breath.

Just breathe.

That has been mine and Lauren's mom's saying during all this because honestly, I think that's all we can really do right now.

I still zone out and still don't feel like I'm all here but I'm trying. Each day has a different emotion. Sometimes I find myself remebering all the wonderful memories Lauren and I had together and it makes me have so much joy. Sometimes I find myself in so much pain and hurt and emotionless.

I know I will never be the same. But I also know that in everything I do God is by myside walking me through this. I'm not sure when I will have joy again but I'm not scared, I know it will come in time. I know God will mend my heart in the right time also.

Grief is not a fun process and I wish no one had to go through this. But I remember that God sent down his only son for us so that our sins can be taken away, and I know he felt grief too.

It's not a pleasant feeling, I long to hear her voice and hear her laugh but I know that when I go to heaven she will be there to greet me.

I write these posts to you so that if anyone has ever gone through pain, it's normal. You're not less holy, you're not less spirit filled...it's normal and part of the process.

My counselor told me something that I needed to hear. I was telling her about my problem with emotions and she told me how she went through the bible underlining every line that talked about Jesus having any emotions. And he did have emotion:

• Matthew 21:12 "Jesus entered the temple area & drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves."
• John 11:35 "Jesus wept." 
• Luke 10:21 "At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit..."
• Luke 22:15 "I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer." 
• Mark 10:21 "Jesus looked at him and loved him."

And those are only some of the verses/stories in the bible that talk about Jesus's different emotions. He wept, he got angry, he had joy and love, and lastly he suffered on the cross for us. All emotions and pain. 

It just made me realize that I don't always have to act so strong, that in the end, it's ok to have emotions.

✝Live Like Lauren

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♡Gabriella June

"How are you doing?"

I don't want this post to come off selfish. Writing how I've been feeling during this time and opening up about it to everyone is difficult for me but I don't want this to be about me, I want this to be a positive view on being hopeful, positive, and truthful during a time that seems like there is no way to be happy again. 

Many people have asked me, "How are you doing?" and my response each time is, "I've been ok."

I'm not sure how else to respond to that question. I can come up with a million other things like, "It's been the toughest time of my life." ; "I hurt each and every day." ; "How do you think I'm doing?"...but "I've been ok" seems the best response.

But honestly, it's a lie. I haven't been ok. I haven't felt ok since this happened. My honest feelings are of hurt, pain, loneliness and like someone just took out my heart. 

"O Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress." -Isaiah 33:2

My lovely best friend Lauren had a joy that I've never seen in anyone before. She could light up an entire room with her smile and love. Since she has been gone I've longed for that same joy that she had from the Lord but find myself getting frustrated when I see other people having it. I don't get how they can be so joyful when I'm miserable. 

I notice myself going day by day, hoping that I will be happy again, but that day has yet to come. I miss my best friend and the inspiration she was in my life. I zone out a lot of the time and can't seem to find how to be actually all here.

I find myself feeling all of these things and then...I think of how her life has inspired many. I think of the hundreds of people that gave their lifes to the Lord the Sunday the pastor spoke about her and the Thursday they had the celebration of her life. I think of the people still saying "Live Like Lauren" and changing their life's to honor the Lord and I can't help but to feel silly for all the emotions I have. I know it's normal to have my emotions but it's just been a roller coaster. 

"...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; & character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." -Romans 5:3-5

What Satan intended for evil God changes it too good. God took this horrible situation and turned it to glorify Him and it has in so many ways. Her life has been a light in people's darkest times.

And then I think about my sweet friend and the joy she is having in Heaven. I read 90 Minutes in Heaven and let me tell you, if you have every lost anyone in your life, chapters 2 and 3 are the most wonderful thing to read. 

The book is about a man dying, he went to heaven then came back to earth. His explanations of how Heaven is sound amazing. There's no pain, no hurt, nothing but pure joy. The author explains how he did not miss earth and didn't wish to come back, he just wanted to stay in heaven forever. And I think of Lauren feeling that way and I know she's feeling the exact same way. Once you're in the presence of the Lord, I don't think anything on earth can compare to that.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Their will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things have passed away." -Revelation 21:4

If earth was perfect and nothing bad happen, it wouldn't be earth, it would be heaven. But the truth is is that this is not heaven, this is a place where sin happens, where not everyone believes in the Lord, and people decide to do evil acts, such as the one that happened to Lauren. Just because we're Christian it doesn't necessarily mean that our life is totally safe and nothing bad will happen to us because obviously bad things will happen to us. It's inevitable. We weren't meant to be on this eath forever, we were meant to be here, live for the Lord and change lives because of the Lord. And until that time comes for us to go to heaven, earth is just our temporary home. The decisions we make here on earth feel like the biggest decisions of our life...but when you think about eternity in heaven, these decisions are nothing. Our life here on earth is going to be a blink of an eye compared to eternity. 

Lauren was holding my new rescued baby kitty that was so sick,  

we were all scared to touch it but when she came over 

she scooped up the baby and loved it.

I know when the time comes for me to go to heaven, Lauren will be there so happy to show me around and show me where all the cats are (that was something we both loved). But until that time comes, the Lord will be my strength. I don't know if my heart will ever heal to how it exactly was before, but I know the Lord is my strength and he will help me through this. 

"But the Lord stood by my side and gave me strength." -2 Timothy 4:17

 In all, it's been a roller coaster of bittersweet emotions. That's how I've been summing it up to myself. One moment I'm sad and don't want to do anything then the next I find myself smiling at the memories Lauren and I had together. It's going to be difficult there is no doubt about that but I can't help to remind myself that the Lord is my strength. 

✝ The last verse on Lauren's blog was:  Romans 12:21- "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

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♡Gabriella June

Live Like Lauren...

Lauren was a lot of things, loving caring, compassionate, kind and silly...the list goes on. But one thing you were able to notice right away was her fire and passion for the Lord. Her life reflected how God wants us to be. She cared for people and genuinely wanted to help everyone. She was a light to so many and I know that she will continue to be a light in this world of darkness for decades and decades. Her story doesn't stop here, it's still going and it's touching so many people. The motto Live Like Lauren couldn't be more spot on, live like Lauren lived her life each day, for the Lord. In everything you do, do it for the Lord because that's how she lived each and every day.

I feel so blessed that God not only allowed me to meet Lauren but to be best friends with such a beautiful women that was after God's heart. She taught me so much during our friendship and I could only hope to keep her story a live and live like Lauren lived. To do everything for the Lord and his kingdom. 

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♡Gabriella June

Live Like Lauren: About My Best Friend

[Disclaimer: This post might seem all over the place, so sorry for that. Hope you're able to follow along & it makes sense.]

I will never forget the news I received on new years, my best friend had been killed. Hearing those words through the phone, I panicked and felt like I was in a movie. This wasn't happening, it's not real life. I had just hung out with her the day before and talked to her the day she was killed...no. 

The days following her death seemed like a blur. I forget all who I talked to but one person I will always remember talking to right away was God. 

I cried out, literally, tears in my eyes and a heavy heart and I prayed for strength because I knew that in my own strength I was not going to be able to get through this. 

My friend, Lauren, that was tragically killed was an amazing person. She was a wonderful, loving, caring, kind person. She had a passion for helping people. She was in the middle of Physician Assistant school where she was set to graduate this December. She went to Guatemala to help out the less fortunate and was planning to go back again this spring.

I met her in 2011 on a mission trip. We instantly hit it off and I knew we were going to remain close, and we did. After a year, she applied to PA school and got in. I remember the day she told me she was going to Arkansas and I was so happy but so sad she was leaving Texas. I knew she would love it though and she did. She visited her family whenever she could and when she was in town we always made sure to hang out. While she was away we snap-chated, texted, had coffee dates over FaceTime and sent each other cards in the mail. She was such a joy in my life. She's my best friend. 

Lauren was 24 when she went to heaven. Honestly, when I first heard about my best friend I found myself getting upset that she was taken so young, but then I saw all the people Lauren has influenced and I know will continue to influence by the example of the life she lived and by her love for the Lord in her 24 years on earth and I can't help but to be so happy. To see people that didn't even know her cry to me saying they didn't know her but she effected them is simply crazy (in a bittersweet way). I know that she is so so happy being able to see all the people that have been impacted by the way she lived her life. 

She lived her life fearlessly but God fearing. I have never meet anyone that had so much kindness and love in their heart for people and especially for the Lord. 

My heart aches and hurts because it's difficult to imagine life without her. I know I will think about her every day and how she lived her life and how I so badly wish she was here again.

Live Like Lauren. I'm not sure who came up with this saying/hashtag but it's perfect. The life that Lauren lived was sweet. She loved everyone, no matter who you were she loved you. She cared for people and genuinely wanted to help them. (The profession she was going into was perfect for that.)

When you think about this life we're living, it's just a blink of an eye compared to eternity. We think that some of the decisions we make are the hardest decisions of our life's, but when you look at the grand scheme of things and remember that this is not our home, it makes you think a little. What are you living for? Are you living for the Lord or are you living for yourself? 

Lauren wrote a blog and in her last post on Nov. 16th she talks about that. That it doesn't matter what job you have or what car you drive, at the end of the day what matters most is what you're doing for the Kingdom of the Lord. 

I highly recommend you read her last blog post called "Success": labump.blogspot.com

"He is also our Father, and what a father does is not by any means always understood by the child. If he loves the child, however, the child trusts him." -Elisabeth Elliot

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♡Gabriella June