Still a struggle

I'm not an emotional person. So dealing with so many emotions recently has not only freaked me out but makes me feel like a whole new person. 

Every day, it's just trying to somehow get through the day and survive, never knowing what emotions I'm going to face that day. With meds increasing it feels like I'm never going to get through this. 

I'm not myself. Irrational fears I thought of before are now completely rational fears. I can't remember anything, I mix everything up. Example, I had an appointment on July 2nd, so I thought, but it was actually July 1st at 2...so I obviously missed it. But I thought for sure it was on the second. My brain can't comprehend things that would normally be so simple to understand to people. 

I'm writing this to not only let people with depression know it's ok to feel these things but also to explain to family and friends who think I should be ok and don't understand. I never would want anyone to go through this pain, but honestly, if you've never dealt with such a tragic lost, you're not gonna understand. You might think you do but what you think you understand, it's actually probably 10 times worse for us in reality. Daily, a million things are running through my head...but on top of that I'm zoned out on those things. I can't remember what I did yesterday unless I sit there and strongly think hard and it might take me an hour...if I'm lucky enough to even remember any of it. 

So please still be respectful of my emotions and feelings. I know that my close family and friends understand and have been so awesome. But to those who don't and aren't respectful of my emotions, just think about what I've written. 

Yes, this is partly written out of anger and frustration but it's a struggle I'm facing. Grief and depression are something I've never had to really deal with, so I'm trying to get through this.

I don't expect you to say anything to me, something I've been telling my mom and sister a lot lately is, "I don't even know what I want y'all to say." because I know that no amount of words will take this pain away. Just listen, because sometimes that's all we can do.

#LiveLikeLauren