Keep calm and... just breathe.

Went to stores to try to keep busy & found this perfect
sign for Lauren's mom! This saying has helped me!

It's been a month. How I got through January is beyond me. It's still very much a blur.

After many different emotions, I had my first panic attack last Wednesday. It was the weirdest thing. I'm not much of an emotional person so crying isn't really my thing. I usually try to be strong and suck it up (which lately hasn't been working out) but I was sitting at my internship when all of a sudden, someone talked to me. No one yelled, no one said anything rude and no one laughed...someone just talked and as soon as they did tears formed in my eyes, my throat closed and my heart was racing. What in tarnation was going on!? I instantly prayed and just reminded myself to breath.

Just breathe.

That has been mine and Lauren's mom's saying during all this because honestly, I think that's all we can really do right now.

I still zone out and still don't feel like I'm all here but I'm trying. Each day has a different emotion. Sometimes I find myself remebering all the wonderful memories Lauren and I had together and it makes me have so much joy. Sometimes I find myself in so much pain and hurt and emotionless.

I know I will never be the same. But I also know that in everything I do God is by myside walking me through this. I'm not sure when I will have joy again but I'm not scared, I know it will come in time. I know God will mend my heart in the right time also.

Grief is not a fun process and I wish no one had to go through this. But I remember that God sent down his only son for us so that our sins can be taken away, and I know he felt grief too.

It's not a pleasant feeling, I long to hear her voice and hear her laugh but I know that when I go to heaven she will be there to greet me.

I write these posts to you so that if anyone has ever gone through pain, it's normal. You're not less holy, you're not less spirit filled...it's normal and part of the process.

My counselor told me something that I needed to hear. I was telling her about my problem with emotions and she told me how she went through the bible underlining every line that talked about Jesus having any emotions. And he did have emotion:

• Matthew 21:12 "Jesus entered the temple area & drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves."
• John 11:35 "Jesus wept." 
• Luke 10:21 "At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit..."
• Luke 22:15 "I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer." 
• Mark 10:21 "Jesus looked at him and loved him."

And those are only some of the verses/stories in the bible that talk about Jesus's different emotions. He wept, he got angry, he had joy and love, and lastly he suffered on the cross for us. All emotions and pain. 

It just made me realize that I don't always have to act so strong, that in the end, it's ok to have emotions.

✝Live Like Lauren

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♡Gabriella June