These tears of mine

As many know, I am not good with emotions.
Crying is my worst enemy. I absolutely hate it.
I was raised by such loving and amazing parents but when it came to comforting and dealing with emotion it wasn't exactly their area of expertise.
It's safe to say that when everything happened with my sweet friend it was definitely a different experience for the entire family.
Grief and depression really does effect not only that one person but family and friends.

With all that being said, I'm facing another peak of emotions right now.
Lauren's birthday is this upcoming Friday. I am not entirely sure how it is going to be, this is going to be her 2nd birthday since she's been gone. I don't know how I am going to be or how I am going to handle it but I've come to accept that whatever emotions I have that I am going to not hide it or push them away.

I think another factor of why I'm so emotional, which is good news, is that I was winged off my medicine again.
Now I am taking 50MG of my antidepressant.
It's a very good thing but at the same time I can definitely tell that it is taking a toll on my emotions. I know my body is just trying to adjust from the change but with all the events happening it's making it a little more difficult.


I can say that I am definitely not in the deep slump I was in when everything happened but at the same time I can also say I still have my moments, like this week.

I know that just because I'm going through this time it doesn't mean I've failed.
The tears I've cried show me so much.
It shows how much I love my best friend. It shows that I may not be where I was but at the same time I'm still going through this tough journey. These tears aren't the same tears I shed a year ago, but they show that as each event goes on, I'm getting stronger but still hurting. That I will never be the same but I will somehow find a way to be a new me again.

I've been crying randomly, which is not fun.
Crying randomly while still trying to go on with your everyday life and no one really knowing you're fighting back tears is definitely a struggle. It's one though that I've known all too well in the past year and a half. I will get through it though.

I hope this helps at least one person out there. I never want it to sound all about me, I write these to show that even after a year, I'm still struggling. 
That if you're depressed or dealing with something so difficult, that there is no time limit on it. I never experienced anything like this before so writing what I'm going through so I hope it helps someone in the slightest bit.